a. I am filling my days with thoughts and words and dreams but the recent internalisation of my entire world has caused me a lot of pain. I’ve stopped attempting to articulate the things I feel and the things I see because no one is interested in the way a light shines through a pine tree and no one cares for aesthetic frivolities. The mindset of the commoner is over ruling; “does this concern me? If it doesn’t concern me why are you telling me”. Truth be told a vast majority of the sentences I construct have no ending. Most things I say are of no point, they are constructive- the seeding of an idea I haven’t quite grasped yet. A strange loneliness constantly radiates within me. A loneliness derived from complete and under misunderstanding: the cliched life of a seventeen year old girl.
b. A new neuroses has become apparent; the uncontrollable, spasmodic jerking and twitching of my body. This occurs when I have a thought which doesn’t feel like my usual internal dialogue. I have these a lot. Today I was thinking about where a thought goes once you have thought it, this is one of my favourite things to think about. Later on in the day, a teacher brought the idea up again. I had an impulse to throw something at a wall (preferably myself), my body twitched, I wanted to take all my clothes off and cover myself in acrylic paint and have a seizure on the floor to see what pattern it would make (Yves Klein, thanks for seeding this idea), once again my body twitched, instead I subtly crawled of my chair (not subtly enough) and drew on the floor for a little.