It turns out going out on a Monday night wasn’t such a bad idea. I’ve woken up slowly but surely, shivering under the blanket, no clothes covering my goose bump covered skin. The lovely sounds of Portishead are coercing me out of my room. Time to make scrambled eggs and coffee before school.
Ack! People love asking me this question, especially under the guise of anonymity! Truth be told I am not one hundred percent sure. I have been on and off seeing someone for… whoa, almost a year now. I dig him and I think he digs me. He makes me happy and sometimes when we hang out, he laughs (even if it is just at me), so I’d like to think maybe I make him happy too. “Dating” is such a vague concept. What constitutes a date? We spend a lot of time together but I don’t really see them as dates rather just spending time with a friend. I’m sure by this question you mean ‘Am I currently in a relationship’ and to that I would have answered yes, purely on the grounds that a relationship is a connection between two objects, concepts or people, and that is what we have, some form of connection. All that I know is I’m happy with the way things are and I feel lucky to have such a brilliant person in my life, regardless of what labels people feel like they need to put on others.
Creative long (and short) term to do list • Experiment with a film camera • Create encyclopaedia of own words (inspired by Alex) • Keep a dream journal • Try moss painting brick wall in driveway (once the weather gets cooler/moss appears) • Create film idea and then create photographs with captions as if they were stills from the imaginary film • Buy a cable for my keyboard and start making music again • Buy photographs from op shops and paint and draw over them • Take own pictures, print them out and paint and draw over them • Go on more solitary adventures with my digital camera • Try plasticine sculpting • Sing everyday • Blog more original stuff / own stuff • Read a book every couple weeks • Learn to knit (again/properly) • Take photographs of people’s beds
I can’t believe it’s already 2.39am. I’ve been looking through strange and wonderful art pieces for about three hours now. I can finally fall asleep feeling like I’ve taken in something from this day (other than watching two Wes Anderson films back to back). Time for a sleepy chai tea and to slowly melt into my mattress, sweet dreams internet realm.
Every moment seems like a strange time in my life. I think everything is perfect though, I can’t imagine things being any different. I am so tremendously happy and sad. I’m going for a walk to go get rainbow ice cream now. Even though sometimes bad things happen, I can tell things are going to be just fine.
The beauty in a memory is based on environmental and emotional factors. The job of the writer is to articulate these figurative concepts. The reader then takes the words and turns it into an emotional experience. The human mind is a constant converter of the literal and figurative.
I really only do write about [you] don’t I? That is sad and pathetic. I suppose I can’t really think about much else, or maybe I choose not to. There’s no point doing emotions in halves - nothing good ever comes of that. Be in absolute infatuation or try to kill yourself, they kind of seem like my only options sometimes. I actually get satisfaction from being deeply upset, I feel like I’m learning. I crave melancholy. The only thing that drags me out of this gross obsession is the fact you exist. I lay here writing this and somewhere in the wilderness you are breathing air in and out of you. The mere fact you are living puts me at ease. It makes me okay with feeling happy.
Thoughts for thinking’s sake I feel like a prisoner of my thoughts, I keep thinking and thinking but no matter how much I think the thoughts never stop coming and they start becoming vile and vicious. I feel nauseous because I know things are exactly how I want them to be, but I feel like there’s something wrong. Like I’m forgetting to look the right way up or maybe everyone has the same haircut and I haven’t noticed yet. I know everything smells different, I picked up on that one. BANG! Things crack sometimes. I like it when old houses have cracks in their foundations. I like to think I’m a little bit like those houses. I am going for a walk, everything is just a little too busy inside of me right now.
My news feed seems to be a sea of comments regarding valentines day and how lame it is and how it’s just a commercial holiday designed to make money off of unsuspecting lovers. These people are just resentful because they don’t have a partner or whatever. I feel like all holidays are just commercial ploys to get unsuspecting consumers to buy things, Christmas, Easter etc, but we still do them because it’s the idea surrounding the occasion. I, for one, actually kind of enjoy valentines day.
I used to be resentful but now I’ve come to embrace other peoples love. I love watching couples hug and be happy together (still not really one for the public kissing but maybe one day!) and if a day can do that; so be it. Don’t feel resentful. You (and I) will have our own love filled days. Last year I spent valentines day skyping my boyfriend from Japan and being silly and pulling faces and eating japanese confectionary over webcam and it was the best ever, even though we were 8000 kilometres away from each other.
I’m really looking forward to going to school and seeing my friends tomorrow. Hopefully there will be a lot of love shared by everyone, like some kind of love filled butterfly effect.
(I am really lame tonight, I suppose I just feel especially happy or something)