Why do I have a blog? Perhaps it makes me feel more important, like I have something to share with the world, although I don’t. Maybe I just want something to do when I get bored, although posting always feels like a chore. It’s possible I just wanted somewhere to say things when I had no one else to say it to… Why do I have a tumblr? I’m not really sure.
Hi there internet. Things today are beautiful. I don’t feel achey or down. Well no I feel very achey, my legs are very sore. But my mind feels healthy. And I’m pretty sure my legs are just aching because I’m losing weight. I’ve been avoiding people who make me feel down because I deserve better than that. I have been watching films and taking photos and listening to gorgeous music and painting and drawing and writing poetry and learning a guitar and drinking tea. Things feel pretty in my mind and for now I feel okay.
If I had a boy he would have stayed over last night and I would have made him green tea and cereal for breakfast then we would go riding and I’d take hundreds of pictures of him and we’d end up in the hills and pick flowers and find produce on trees to eat and draw and laugh and cuddle, then ride back into town and drink coffee and eat packed sandwiches.
Maybe turning seventeen did something to me. Some strange things have happened today.
• I woke up feeling excited for the future • Had a tasty breakfast of infused green tea and a mandarin • I am happy with the way my body looks today • I have decided to finally go see the Saatchi exhibition
The woes of stepping out of the drama bubble I had been in last week are slowly starting to wear off. I just got back from the gym and although my body feels like its about to collapse in a big heap due to lack of current exercise, I feel strangely refreshed. I was also just informed that Skriker might be put into the fringe, things are starting to take a turn for the better.
Skriker might be put into the fringe?! Whoa boy. That’d be the best.
I honestly don’t know what to do with myself anymore, I am falling to pieces. There is only so many times I feel as if I can post this on my blog but honestly I don’t know who else to say it to apart from the vast nothingness of the internet. That is how sad and hopeless I am getting.
Today I: • Look like my mum • Finished a painting • Liked warm weather on my skin • Watched a lot of Zach Galifianakas stand up • Wrote some poetry • Wrote a story • Finished a math investigation • Rediscovered Crystal Stilts • Went for a drive with friends • Sat in the courtyard of a friend’s art school • Saw a painting of me done by my friend • Read up on installation art and metal manipulation • Went for a ride • Drank a berry milkshake • Felt nothing when I should have felt something
How come I have a sudden urge to do everything but homework, for example • Dye my hair black and cut it into a blunt bob • Buy some finer paintbrushes and do heaps of painting • Go for a massive bike ride into the hills and go exploring • Go to coffee with friends
I actually managed to pull through my glum state of mind to get out of bed, put on my pretty velvet dress, ride into town with a friend and get into an over eighteens gig by claiming I was ‘in the band’. Then I danced with friends and held hands with a pretty boy and ate pizza with him too. Life is good when I am around lovely people, unfortunately tomorrow is tomorrow and I am coming back down to reality. Oh well there’s always next weekend.
I had a strange moment today. My father showed me this extremely expensive suit that he had bought and wanted my opinion. I simply stated that I thought it was nice, and in reply he said ‘it better be, it’s going to need to last me the rest of my life’. That line that was said with little thought and conviction terrified me as my brain envisioned me burying my father at his funeral in that suit. It completely threw me out of my comfort zone. In other news I now have fireworks and I miss a boy.