June 2011
I just feel really lost today. I only woke up half an hour ago, my best friends are no longer in the country and I feel resentment for everyone else. I’ve been around people too much in the past week and I feel lonely but I don’t want to see anyone so I’m stuck in this bed.
I don't feel okay anymore
Don’t even fucking care anymore, I hate everything and all that’s happening in my life are the holes in and on my head are getting bigger and bigger. Teenage angst is overwhelming me. I just want to curl up, cry and be alone forever. I’d rather that than this constant state of confusion and jealousy.
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Sunlight is steaming into my room and reflecting off old wine bottles throwing shades of off green and yellow across the eastern wall of my bedroom. I think I’m going to devote today to the arts and not to love.
My mind is dying being consumed by a singular repetitive thought created by obscene infatuation fuck everything.
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Things I like in my room • Three sets of dead roses • Old wine bottles • Melted candles • Paintings by a friend • Old rusty coathanger on the wall • Electronic typewriter • Empty tea cups and wine glasses • Forest green velour curtains • Record player / records • Floral bed spread • Pages of writing • Black leather bound journal • Oil Paints and canvas • ‘Howl’ by Allen Ginsberg (poem)...
The most brilliant of days; post trip euphoria.
//taking mushrooms// me: They don’t let you sleep.. hopkinson: Oh fuck! They don’t let you sleep! kubany: Oh well if we’re awake until exams we’ll just take more before the exam! I have my first exam for year eleven in twelve hours and I just took some mushrooms and I have done no revision, oh dear.
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“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure...”
– William Gibson (via noceans)
What’s your favourite word?
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home is underneath my blanket in the arms of the boy wearing the red jumper and paint stains on his hands
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things are beautifully fucked up, i guess that’s what it means to be alive
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I will regret downloading these erotic art-house short films in the morning but with directors such as Gaspar Noe and Larry Clark who can resist. A feral man masturbates with the aid of a whirling crankshaft; a sunbathing woman phones a doctor for a playful house call; a man with a quartz penis goes through lovemaking, castration, cannibalism, and restoration; a mouth and tongue, close up, lick...
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• Follicles on the floor again and we set the counter back to zero • Hate being on my lonesome • Oil paint all over my jumper, sheets, tv remote • Starting to lose feeling in my kneecaps • Slipping into a haze of an existential crisis • Textures are my vice • Some romantic fucking would be nice
Existential depression →
thisisnotpsychology:
Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or “ultimate concerns”)—death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world...
Have a lingering feeling something really bad is about to happen in my life…
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Okay time to sedate myself, see ya ‘round consciousness.
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I like this stormy, wind filled weather. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a snow globe.
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Pale Blue Eyes - The Velvet Underground
foetal position > going out
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so many chapters of my life have ended in these last seven days and now i feel left spat out in a gutter left to limp to the next adventure that awaits. i feel like shit but even if it’s a meagre crawl i must keep moving; forever keep moving
