I still have a bloodstained dent in my lips for when I went to kiss your forehead but was a little too excited, and my overbite was just a little too overbitey and my mouth and your forehead crashed together with an uncontrollable force. How I have ever been shown affection is way beyond me.
“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.”—Douglas Coupland
“If you do not want to write, at least spit on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and send it to me. You are not taking any notice of me at all. God forgive you – all I wanted was a few words from you.”—Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Being happy is strange, I mean being completely and utterly, contently happy. Not the empty happy where you long for melancholy or for something, anything to happen. It’s like there’s a warmth within me, but instead of it being a roaring fire that is sure to burn out within minutes and leave me feeling colder than before, it’s like a tiny lightbulb slowly radiating heat throughout my whole entire body and making my cheeks go all rosy.
I just had a strange hour. I kind of lost my mind, absolutely, completely and then wrong words were said at the wrong time. My facade just dropped like that and I felt so vulnerable and I just started spitting out words that don’t make sense and saying how scared I was of being hurt over and over again. I terrified the boy I was with, he kept saying he didn’t know what to say or do and that I needed help… I guess this is why I’m so horrible all the time, to avoid things like this happening. Things were so lovely before that…
I finally understand how my abstract theory of ‘home’ associated in a less tangible, more emotive way came about. At that time in my life I was really fucking down and I feel like one of the main things that kept me going was The Cinematic Orchestra’s album ‘Ma Fleur’ and I remember learning a song called ‘To Build A Home’ on the piano and it meant so much to me. I was living with my three best friends at this time in my life, I had spent all night learning this song and all I wanted was for someone to come and listen to it. It was a cry for help. That whole night it was just me crying and playing this song on the piano because all my friends were too stoned to do this one thing for me. The next night was the night I created my theory on ‘home’ and also the night that triggered the emotional response of crying whenever I experience anything beautiful.
Warm washes rolling over fanning over washing my eyes balls and with fingers typing and pressing and with fingers touching cuffs of jeans and heartbeats slowed longing for less homesickness in my very own bed goodnight
So instead of sitting around last night and completing vital schoolwork so that I can get my certificate of education, I decide to accompany some friends on an adventure up into the foggy Adelaide hills and watched them drink wine and put on terrible VCRs then fell asleep cuddled up on a single bed in a woollen jumper. I woke up this morning at seven to the sunrising to a beautifully overcast morning and I watched the boy laying next to me eye’s flicker, wondering what he was dreaming about. He woke with a startle and I asked and he said he had I dream I was getting angry at him. He got up and made us tea and a gorgeous black labrador took his place in the bed. For the next three hours we laid about eating toast, listening to music, dressing the dog in a sweater and cuddling until everyone else woke up. Then a breakfast of bacon and eggs and coffee was made and I got dropped off at school after a long downhill drive with a game of corners in the back seat. I just got home from school and I’m getting dressed to go to work at Womad Earth Station, a calm and peaceful music festival in the hills that promotes environmental awareness. Today has been brilliant.